Since ever I can first remember, I have been surrounded by men falling in love with me. It’s been both a blessing and a curse. Throughout my teens, on the run from an uncomfortable disharmony in my family, I fell into the arms of anyone who would have me believing in my life somewhere that I was worth nothing more. I had a pretty face. I was slim. And I was lost.
The inherent conflict of the feminist message
I rebelled. I didn’t like this dependency, this vulnerability around men. I studied feminist literature which berated men’s dominance over feminine expression and I grew a new duality around men. If I was in a relationship I was weak, if I was alone I was strong. Of course, I was always in conflict with that belief because I was often in a relationship. And the ‘relationship’ squeezed all the life out of me until I saw no option but to break away. I subsumed my character, my very being, to enter into ‘relationship’ with someone else. I was angry. It was unjust. Why did I have to sacrifice me for them?
Over the years, I’ve grown and matured. I’ve had many ‘relationships’ and even more ‘liaisons’. All of them, without exception until these last few weeks, have left me wanting, empty, uncomfortable with me, seeking, yearning, always wishing I could have more. More of what? More love? More affection? More commitment? More sex? More attention?
Being a guide means having crossed the terrain ahead of others
I’ve sat with all of those things I thought I wanted. I’ve done ‘the work’. I’ve seen the transparency of what it is I thought I needed to be happy. I’ve nursed myself. I’ve sat with my pain. And I’ve reached places of acceptance and clarity so that I can continue to live my life in my highest reality. It’s from this point of clarity, that has been my lifetime’s journey to travel, that I can help and inspire others to their sense of clarity, charting through the tough terrain of life’s vicissitudes and carving out a path of their own. If I didn’t know that terrain, then I couldn’t be a guide for anyone else.
Waking up to my true mission
However, even in the last few weeks, I have reached a new place of deep inner peace, acceptance and beauty. I have seen exactly who I am and what I am here for. There is a surreal acceptance of my purpose here that I had been running from before. There was a sadness that I couldn’t have what every one else seemed to have. And now I realise, it’s not my mission nor purpose to have what others have. My mission is to help people wake up. And in particular to help men wake up to the wonder and beauty of women and learn to truly honour and respect the limitless power of women – the feminine power of mother earth. The power to create and to destroy. The untamed and wild energy of the feminine, stunning, raw, exuberant, alive, dangerous, sexual, seductive. I don’t just understand now with my head but feel deeply just why women have been suppressed and held back for so long by the fearful, uninitiated, overwhelmed masculine.
In fear, the immature, uninitiated masculine has attempted to manage and control the feminine. He has denied his own unpredictable and wild feminine nature and used his physical and intellectual strength to sublimate mother earth and bend her to his will. In fear, he has degraded her, desecrated her, violated her and raped her to assuage his own anxiety. And she has acquiesced. Because she is so wild and the masculine is so directional, she has been unable to respond cohesively to his focussed intent. And just like me in my life, when she has been able to take suffering no more, she has rebelled in a furious and terrifying ‘act of nature’, throwing off her tormentors and seeking to be seen.
I’ve just walked into my house to make a cup of tea and as I wandered around I noticed, almost as if for the first time, that I have collected pictures of beautiful women to hang on my wall. I have been most drawn to the beauty of women but in the past, too embarrassed to display them all. It felt somehow narcissistic, homosexual – those kinds of statements that society only allows artists and self identified free thinkers to make. Not someone like me. As I paced around my house, almost frantic in the knowledge that I have to keep doing and developing this work, tears have welled up through my eyes and fallen down my face in sheer recognition of the beauty that I have to share.
I owe a debt of gratitude to someone who has sought me out to invite me into a tantric dance with them. Who, overwhelmed by his own spiritual awakening has been seeking feminine wisdom and guidance and has awakened in me a knowledge as to how I can best channel my power. I need the masculine to channel my power. But I need the initiated masculine. The mature. The accepting masculine to help heal mother earth of her pain. And I need to help those who are initiated or are going through the process. Together we can help heal our mother earth.
What is the initiated male?
This question was asked of me just the other day. The initiated male is someone who has given up the hold of childhood over him. He accepts his past. He is honouring of woman. He is awake to her power. He treasures her. He does not feel diminished by her. He protects her without controlling. He holds her in highest regard. He accepts his own gifts and talents as a man. He is strong. He is a leader. But he also recognises that without the power of woman he is impotent, hollow, a clanging cymbal. He listens to her wisdom. And he metabolises it for the world. He is directional. It is important that he keeps those qualities of leadership of purpose. And all this process of initiation is a result of his confronting his own mortality. Of seeing the transient nature of life and realising that we only have this moment, this world, this experience. All else is fantasy.
This masculine and feminine power is not necessarily gender specific. Each of us holds the masculine and feminine inside of us. It is the integration of the two, the acceptance and respect for the other that is essential to our awakening.
And yet, it is through this masculine energy, this sense of focus, that the ancient power of the feminine can be celebrated and brought to the fore, healing the planet and transforming suffering into joy. We need men who are strong and mature enough to help this happen. And we need these men to help nurture and heal women. That is my mission. To support my beautiful sisters and to show men how to inspire, nurture and support them too.
Who does my life belong to?
I am transitioning very fast these last few weeks. It feels I have given up the need to possess. And my life does not belong to me. I am being lived. I am a channel for the earth to heal. I can sense who is ready to do this profound work and who is not. My nakedness is not only physical but spiritual. I am awake. I am ready to show men how to develop their connection with women. How to help us heal. How to channel our power.
And the power I have found from my work with my spiritual empath is phenomenal. It surges forth from the very earth itself, firing up through my body, into my hands and into the universe. My hands hold the most intense fire as the sexual energy of mother earth surges through my core. My spiritual empath helps me focus that energy. It is this focus of energy that has given me intense peace and purpose. It has revealed to me my inherent beauty as a woman. No thing and no body can remove that from me. Now I am ready to work with men. To not surrender my identity or sacrifice who I am. To be able to select those who I know and sense are ready to meet me on a level, who are bravely doing their work and clearing their fear, and to teach them the ancient art of the communion of the masculine and feminine.